The five step plan to recover from LeBron and Bosh

You expected Cavs and Knicks -- and to a lesser degree, Raptors and Bulls --  fans to bombard the Super Friends with pitchforks and torches, or maybe a machete and a Nunchuck.

But that was three weeks ago. So much has happened since then, like Bristol and Levi Johnston’s reunion, the emergence of the YouTube Double Rainbow video, and the end to the oil leak (never mind, some things never change).

(LeBron as a New Yorker? Only in Spike Lee's wet dreams) 

Then I realized this is like a really painful divorce. Remember Meryl Streep in “It’s Complicated” saying it took her 10 years to recover from her divorce? Not that I would watch that movie, but when you lose or lose out on a couple of franchise players, and they both colluded with another superstar to form the world’s most hated trio since Bush, Cheney and Rove, it’s like a nasty divorce.

In any divorce, there are five stages. We’ll start with…

SHOCK: When you’re in shock, there are a few options. But the most primitive response is to start a fire.

When in shock, burn things that are worth money because you’re too confused to have a more logical solution.

It’s like those people who burned Ricky Williams jerseys when he retired to smoke pot and sleep in a tent.

Fast forward six years, and those fans could have saved themselves $75. Adult jersey-wearers always go back for seconds, and thirds. It’s an addiction.

Not that LeBron will ever go back to Cleveland, but his fans could have found better use. You run out of toilet paper and tissue paper? No. 23, there to save the day.

Once the shock wore off, Cavs fans sent their James jerseys to the homeless folks of Overtown, who are the true benefactors in this whole Heat coup. The change will be flying after Miami victories, and the homeless will be celebrating in throwback LeBron jerseys.

DENIAL: Cavs owner Dan Gilbert switched gears from shock to denial real quick. You could argue his bizarre Comic Sans font rant was a case of shock, but really it’s denial.

Gilbert wrote (and these are his caps, not mine): "I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE."

Sure, Danny, the city that hasn’t won any championship since the days of Jim Brown and hula hoops will win a title with a trio of Mo Williams, Antwan Jamison and Anderson Varejao. And they’ll do it before Wade, Bosh and LeBron. And Drew Carey is a comic genius.

ANGER: We’re in this stage right now, and the anger is probably at its tipping point.

Americans always loved their sports, but our love and passion has always been kept sanely inbounds compared to our European and South American counterparts. It’s like comparing the sexual habits of humans and apes. We do it with candles, roses and Marvin Gaye albums. They do it in groups and toss their excrements around when they’re done. Civilized vs. barbaric.

But when that brave attention seeker showed up to a Cleveland Indians game in a Heat LeBron jersey on Wednesday, we inched closer to Europeans and monkeys. The guy couldn't wear his shiny new No. 6 in Cleveland without endangering his life and requiring a security escort for his own safety. 

Chris Bosh, whose claim to fame before free agency was being called Ru Paul by Shaq, was booed at the New York Stock Exchange when he rang the ceremonial bell. Why? Because he didn’t go to the Knicks.

The Knicks expected to be in the Heat’s position right about now. I never thought I'd see a bunch of angry New Yorkers.

Bryan Colangelo, the general manager of the Toronto Raptors, recently had an expected divorce with Bosh. It was the kind of divorce where they hadn't slept together in months. One night Bosh made a move, but then conveniently remembered he had to wake up early the next morning.

Colangelo, while not surprised by the divorce, is still angry because Bosh got the house and the Colangelo got the dog with the lazy eye and hanging tongue. So Colangelo publicly accuses Bosh of quitting on his team down the stretch. 

SADNESS: The anger should last well into the season, and then sadness will creep in when the Cavs miss the playoffs and the Knicks are swept by the Heat in the first round. Fans will be emotionally drained at that point, and sad with a side of bitter.

ACCEPTANCE: There’s no telling when they will accept. It could happen as soon as June, or it could take years.

If the Heat don’t win the championship, you’ll see the first signs of acceptance.

Cleveland fans will rejoice in the fact that LeBron couldn’t lead a Super Team to a title, and they’ll start to accept him not being part of the future. It would be like a divorcee’s husband losing his job and breaking his arm a year into the divorce. Things could be a lot worse.

If Miami does win the title, it’s like the husband marrying a 25-year-old blonde, and acceptance will still be a long ways down the road. If the Heat win multiple titles, it will be like the blonde came from a wealthy family and her ailing father owns a yacht and a golf course. And then it's back to anger and counseling.