Saturday, July 31, 2010

Stick a fork in Pat White


An aging Thomas Edison failed in his quest to invent a machine that could talk to dead people. George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree (although, to his credit, he admitted to the dirty deed). Whitney Houston had that whole crack head phase.

So you don't want to throw Bill Parcells and his lackeys under the bus for wasting a second round draft selection, although drafting Pat White looks like a giant blunder for a front office of supposed geniuses who have a lot to prove before living up to the hype. 

                                     

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The five step plan to recover from LeBron and Bosh

You expected Cavs and Knicks -- and to a lesser degree, Raptors and Bulls --  fans to bombard the Super Friends with pitchforks and torches, or maybe a machete and a Nunchuck.

But that was three weeks ago. So much has happened since then, like Bristol and Levi Johnston’s reunion, the emergence of the YouTube Double Rainbow video, and the end to the oil leak (never mind, some things never change).

(LeBron as a New Yorker? Only in Spike Lee's wet dreams) 

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Dear Abby, my name is LeBron and I need a man in my life

Dear Abby,
My name is LeBron and I need advice. I’ve done pretty well for myself over the last decade. A lot of people wear my name on their back, and I earn more money in a single day than most Americans earn in a year. I’m popular with women, and my coworkers seem to like me.

But a few weeks ago, I made a series of questionable decisions because I had no one to give me good, solid advice. I was deciding where to work next year, and I had potential employers all around the country trying to lure me. My heart was really in Cleveland, where I’ve worked for the last seven years, but the other guys in my office were holding me back -- the second most valuable employee was this little guy named Mo. The boss tried teaming me up with an over-the-hill, overweight clown that looks like Grimace giving birth to a McNugget. And this was supposed to keep me in my home state.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Marlins get a pie in the face

Chris Coughlan can compare himself to Angels first baseman Kendry Morales all he wants, but at least Morales broke his left leg celebrating his own game-winning grand slam.

Remember when Arizona Cardinals kicker Bill Gramatica tore his ACL celebrating a 42-yard field goal before halftime? Sorry Coughlan, you just don’t want to be in the same company as a Gramatica, especially not the less talented brother.

No, the reigning Rookie of the Year took embarrassing sports injuries to new heights Monday night in San Francisco, tearing his left knee after tossing a pie in the face of teammate of Wes Helms. Helms’ walk-off hit had just given the Marlins another come-from-behind victory, although Coughlan’s not-so-sweet pie injury should equate to a few losses.